I’ve had a years worth of drama in the last few months. My daughter–need I say more–is at the center of the chaos that has been my life lately. Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating a bit but I am completely drained: emotionally… physically. My body aches from the weight of the stress I’ve been carrying. My sleep is never restful. I have a hard time concentrating.
Well, she left today. She’s going to her other life. A relief that she’s out of the house (guilt overcomes me for thinking such a thing) but SOOO worrisome. I wish she was wrapped up with school or work or a boy friend even. I keep hoping. I always hope. I hope someday that all the positive programming I did while she was growing up kicks in. I ask myself if there is more I can do to intervene in her life. But I don’t want to push her further away. She’s my only child. I love her. But if’ I’ve been enabling her, I’ve got to quit. Her mental illness is no excuse, there still have to be boundaries.
Some would say I’m strong but I know I’m not. I self-medicate with food. It is a socially acceptable addiction and I have it. I reason with myself: “At least I don’t have a drinking problem… At least I don’t smoke… I deserve this food considering what I’ve been dealing with… I really don’t care about my weight anyway.” The reality is being overweight is so shameful. I haven’t always been a big girl (my euphemism for fat) and haven’t always used food this way but there’s always some addiction. Nothing illicit but harmful nonetheless.
With the greyness and cold enveloping me, this time of year is difficult. Add to that the resolutions and expectations to be healthy in the New Year. I notice that people treat you differently when you’re a big girl. Or maybe it’s the aura you cast when you’re unhappy. You don’t attract positive. My mood is already low and piling on goals to be healthy is counter-productive. Believing you’ll be successful isn’t enough to facilitate that success. I’ve tried to kick this eating addiction but another takes it’s place. I wish there was a magic potion that would ease the emptiness, the self-loathing, the unhappiness. I’m working on it and taking things slowly. Change is easier that way, don’t you think?